Before I get deep into my first blog post, let me summarize for you what happened to me 10 months ago. In April 2015, after a couple trips to the emergency room, I was rushed in emergency surgery after becoming tachycardic and showing signs of major abdominal pain. After my first surgery, they had removed the majority of my small intestine, disconnected my esophagus from my stomach and my stomach from the remainder of my intestines. When I woke up from sedation, two days later, the surgeon told me that I would never eat or drink again and that my quality of life was going to be severely diminished. After a few more days, I still was unstable, and so I transferred to another hospital where there was a gastro specialist. 6 days after my first surgery, I showed no signs of improvement and underwent a second surgery. The remainder of my small intestine had continued to die and the surgery resulted in them having to remove the rest of it along with one-third of my large intestine. Although the first surgeon was wrong and I can eat and drink, I can’t absorb any nutrients and I now face a life of living with IV nutrition, deficiencies and constant exhaustion.
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. –Genesis 50:20
This verse has been what’s gotten me through, day by day, for months now. I still have no clue why this happened to me. I still have my “why me” days, and I’m sure I will for a long time to come. I don’t believe that God caused this to happen to me and I don’t think this “happened for a reason” — and in fact I get insulted when people argue with me on that point. I think this is one of the many moments in life that you just have to say “crap happens”. I do however believe that God saved me. The doctors themselves are baffled that I have survived this. And I hope that because it did happen, that it can be used for good – that my pain is not in vain (whatever that may look like).
Those two words “but God” are a turning point in the verse I quoted above. They represent hope that God can take this horrible situation and use it for good. Use it to help someone else. The hope that I find in this verse is what gets me through my painful mornings and helps me get to the end of my beyond exhausting days. Without hope, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the mornings. I would be drowning in despair. I would not be able to do this without my faith in God and the hope that things will get better.
I definitely still have rough days, quite often actually. But when I have good days, I make sure to make the best of them. I try and stay positive, but I allow myself to have my negative days where I throw fits and yell at God. Eventually the reality of it all will become normal and my rough days will be fewer and farther between as time goes on and with God’s help.